Relationships and Smoking
Researchers studying smoking have found that relationships are an important part of women’s smoking.1 They smoke with coworkers, with friends, and with their partners. When a person stops smoking, sometimes this can cause changes in the relationships. Knowing to watch for that can help you understand what is happening and try to find ways to address those changes. (Learn more about pregnancy, relationships, and smoking.) Information about this research has been published in a helpful guide called: Couples and Smoking: What you need to know when you are pregnant.
In this section, we will summarize some of the results and include some highlights from this booklet. We will focus on what can happen to couples when their smoking status changes. But the ideas can help to understand changes that happen in many types of relationships.
Couples develop routines and patterns of how they relate to each other. This involves all sorts of activities including smoking. This is true whether only one person smokes or both do. If you stop and think about it, you may see patterns in how you and your partner relate to each other about smoking.
These patterns can be seen in the who, when, where, and what of your smoking. It also includes rituals you and your partner may share around smoking, like your partner lighting your cigarette for you, sharing a cigarette together, or that you and your partner always smoke when doing certain things together. These patterns can become so much a part of your life that you don’t even see them anymore, but you will need to change the pattern as you quit smoking.
Although every couple is different, the researchers found that many couples fall into one of three types of patterns: Accommodating, Disengaged, or Conflictual.
Do any of these patterns seem to fit you and your partner?
Accommodating: This is a pattern where both partners see smoking as okay and make sure there are chances to smoke as part of their everyday activities. This is true even if only one partner smokes.
Even though Dave doesn’t smoke, he accepts that Eve does and that it helps her relax. He doesn’t mind stopping to buy her cigarettes. He thinks that smoking is an important way for Eve to unwind and relieve her stress. He also knows that smoking is part of Eve being social at get togethers and when hanging out with friends.
Disengaged: This is a pattern where both partners see smoking as a choice each partner makes. Even if they both smoke, they often smoke when they are not with each other.
Michelle doesn’t talk about her smoking with Tom. They both smoke, but feel it isn’t something they need to discuss; feeling like it is no one else’s business. They both smoke with co-workers on breaks and when they hang out with their own friends. She and Tom both smoke in the house, but usually when they are doing their own thing and not together.
Conflictual: This is a pattern that causes tension and sometimes arguments between the partners.
Jen’s partner, Mitch, does not smoke. He is always bugging Jen about her smoking and tells her things like she stinks. Sometimes he won’t even be near her or kiss her when she has been smoking. Jen feels like Mitch is being a jerk and is hurt by the way he acts. Whenever she can, Jen likes to get away and smoke in peace.
Why does it help to know your pattern of interacting with your partner when it comes to smoking?
So what? Why should you spend time thinking about your pattern? Knowing your pattern helps you:
- Think about how your day-to-day activities as a woman and as a couple affect your smoking.
- Understand how you and your partner interact about smoking. This can make it easier or harder to quit.
- Understand how other people, like friends and coworkers, affect your smoking. If you don’t smoke on breaks or at parties, how will this change your relationships?
- Think about what you need to change in your relationships as part of quitting smoking.
1 For more information about the Families Controlling and Eliminating Tobacco (FACET) research program visit: www.facet.ubc.ca 
